You can drive across the entire country and never find exactly what you're looking for.

My eyes are burning but I refuse to sleep without you. There have been countless days where I have felt lost and useless. I still have your jacket on my bed. There are pills on the table, I refuse to take them to fuel my depression and ability to think. I should have seen this coming.



"If we spend our time obsessing with the future or regretting the past, then we will never live. Tomorrow will always be tomorrow and yesterday cannot be changed." - Jon Foreman

A letter to...

Hey, I dont really know who you are yet but I know you're going to go many places in life and you have so much potential. All you have to do is try and you can make it. Sometimes you might not feel very strong or great at anything, but you've made it this far so you must be some kind of wonderful. Everything you have gone through is making you that much stronger today, and remember that everything happens for a reason. You are beautiful inside and out. Please dont forget any of this, ever. I hope you get everything you want out of life and you never let anyone stop you from going after your dreams.

YOU. CAN. MAKE. IT.

Do you ever think?

Just because you are a certain way, I get dragged into it as well. What you are doing affects my life greatly. I hate you for it. I hate you for taking away everyone I love from me. If people find out I will be judged also. I think you only care about what you want in life. There is nothing you can do to change how I feel. I will always have hatred toward you. Forever. Nothing will change that, especially after you change. I wish I didnt have to deal with it at all. It just isnt fair to me, or anyone else in our family.


You're tearing us all apart.

I never do what I tell myself to do.
And I always do the things I tell myself not to do.



Wonderful.
School starts Monday. Just one more chance for disappointment.
Cant wait.

Seven years.

I miss you more than anything. Especially in times like these. I wish I could just call you, and tell you what's going on. And you say you love me. And that it'll all be okay. I want you here right beside me.
August 7th 2002.
Honestly, I remember this day clearer than any other day in my entire life. I have this reoccurring nightmare, and I had it this night. Im trapped inside this endless maze. A building. All darkness. A couple of nooks here and there. No where to go except around and around, trying to find a way out. I'm always with my family, one of them is always being chased by someone, and is always right behind me. Saving me from whatever is chasing them. That night? Jason was following me. Being chased himself. (I'm not sure if that makes sense) I was running around this maze, I found a closet. I ran into it, shut the door. The footsteps stopped. No more noise, except me breathing. Then the closet door opened, I screamed. Jason was there to save me. But, whatever was chasing him, and me, killed him. Shot him with a gun. In the background there was a phone ringing. I woke up. Drenched in sweat. Home phone, ringing. My dad answered. Called me and my brother downstairs. He told Justin what happened. Justin told me. I burst into tears. I didnt understand. I thought maybe I was just having another dream. But I wasnt..


5/4/80-8/7/02.
Rest in Peace, Jason. Forever in our hearts.
<3

:////

My youth group talks about people when they walk away. I never join in, sometimes I just listen, and other times it pisses me off so much I either get mad at them, or walk away. And then I wonder if they just talk about me when I walk away. I wonder if anyone would stand up for me like I've stood up for them. I feel like that a lot; as soon as I leave, they talk about me just like they were talking about the last person who left their little clique circle.



I want some real friends who will stand by my side no matter what.

Because maybe you're gonna be the one who saves me

"And after all you're my wonderwall"

I dont have anything to say.
Why do I always feel like my blogs must be long and say something important?

Not this time.








I love you with all my heart. I always have and I always will.

Really?

I'm honestly am surprised at your immaturity. Im happy for the first time in almost a year, but you just have to crush everything. Your words hurt me. You may not think it, but they do. I think about them way too often after you say them. And it's like you think I havent thought of any of it before. Maybe I know that people are using me. But honestly, maybe I could care less. Maybe all I want is someone to make me feel safe.

Canada and other rantings.

Canada was amazing. Better than I ever thought it could be. I got close to so many people I've never even pictured myself being friends with, and I actually feel like I belong somewhere.
Though this feeling may not last long, I like it for the moment. Camp is just around the corner. Hopefully it is just as good as Canada was.

Hey you, I miss you. I know I say it a million times a day, and I think it more than that. But I do. I miss us talking constantly and knowing everything going on in each others lives. I miss us being best friends.
Hey you, I really care about you. I want to lay with you and know everything about you. All your secrets, and what makes you tick. What makes you the happiest, what you love. Everything. It wont change how I feel about you one bit. Just be honest with me.
Hey you, you're a cool person. We get each other. I told you all my secrets this week. I havent felt that close to a person in months, maybe about a year. I dont know anymore. But thanks for already being a great friend.
Hey you, I really cant stand your existence.

That is all I have to say.

Listening for patterns in the sound of an endless static sea

I have nothing to say other than that I miss you a lot. And even though you probably dont care about me anymore, I care about you. I will never forget you, or anything you and I have been through. And I hope you get everything you want out of life.


<3


Adding onnn:
I honestly envy those people who can make friends everywhere they go, and are just fun people. That has never been possible for me. Im quiet and awkward and bad at making conversation. Making friends is one of the hardest things for me. I dont know why. It should not be that difficult, but it is. I want a close group of friends.

I wish I lived in a book.

I don't want to just be alive, I want to live.

No long stories, or ranting. That is all.

"I swear we can make this last"

Im home. Yay, I guess. It was alright. I spent the majority of my nights in the dorm alone or somewhere with Ryan or Khloe. The work sites were good, though. I had the best time. Ryan and Michael are serious the greatest guys ever. ahah. On Thursday night Ryan, Sowards, Anna and I had a really good conversation. Normally, I wouldnt want to talk about it with more than just Anna around. But I think it was a good thing that Ryan was there, so I have someone else to talk to and all. He and I are so much closer, and that's good. But I feel like I've drifted from every other person at church. And it sucks. Im not good at conversation with people. Im not good at carrying on conversation. I make people awkward, I've noticed. People have no idea what they're supposed to say to me. Why cant you just talk to me like a normal person? I may not be totally normal. But Im a person, and I can talk about the same things as anyone else. I dont understand.
Ohh, new best friend [: Me and Kayla have decided we're best friends. ahaha. We're making plans to hang out, so maybe I'll actually have somewhat of a social life. But, probably not.


You get my hopes up. Like usual, they are false hopes. I try not to think about you so much. But I just cant help it. You mean so much to me. And I really dont understand how I can be so in love with someone I am totally invisible to, but it sucks. Sometimes I just want to erase the day we first really started talking. I wish I could just erase that one thing from my memory. Like in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. You still remember it, and it happened. But I dont. I wonder how you'd feel if I had no idea who you were. Would you even notice? Or would things stay the same? God. That would absolutely kill me if you erased me from your memory..

I make myself unhappy.

That's what I do. I've just started to realized it. I think this is because whenever I get too happy, something bad always happens. So, if I'm never happy, nothing bad will happen, right? Wrong.
Oh well. I'm leaving tomorrow and I'll definitely need people to text me and keep me company.
I don't want to go and be around people who don't want me to be around.
Maybe it wont be too bad.


Finished 'Speak'. It was good. Better than I thought it was going to be.
I think I need to buy some more books. But I have to read like ten different ones for school.
Summer reading:

• The Iliad
• The Odyssey
• Oedipus Rex
• Beowulf
• Divine Comedy
• Canterbury Tales
• Macbeth
• The Tragedy of Faust
• Crime and Punishment
• Frankenstein

I have like a month and a half left of summer. How many of these have been read by me? Zero.
I've been busy reading books of my choice. I'm up to 13 this year, so far. I want a life for Christmas. ahaha. Back to packing.
:]

"Im so lonely,

surrounded by people who know me but dont know a thing, So I'm trying to come clean."


Hi, Im Jessica. I have clinical depression and major sleep disorders. I blog too much. I've given up and Im done trying. I'm a terrible person. I do things I know I shouldn't. Who doesnt? I want a place to feel safe, a home. Im in need of a best friend. Someone I can actually count on for once. Everytime I get close to someone, I lose them. I dont exist to most people I come in contact with. I feel invisible constantly. I think I make myself invisible. I am not comfortable around anyone. No one knows who I really am. Not even me. So I guess I cant be myself if I dont know who myself is. I am constantly tearing myself down. I have absolutely no self esteem. Even though I am afraid to be alone, Im getting used to it. I dont believe anything good will ever happen to me. I guess you could call me pessimistic, and I am.
Im sorry if you dont understand me. I dont expect you to.

I've fallen in love honestly so I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve

"Just tell me you're doing okay. I can't help but think of you everyday and I know that it's hard when I'm miles away. But I know we'll be together some day. Fall is gone, winter is here. I spent all December just wanting you near. So I'm singing these words in the hope that you'll hear. You're the best thing that happened this year. I've fallen in love honestly so I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve. In the hope that these notes and the words that I sing make you see, you mean more than the world does to me."

That entire song describes how I feel about you. And I feel so stupid blogging about you all the time. But you're the only thing on my mind, and you're one of the only problems I have in my life. Even though you're hardly in my life at all anymore. I really do miss you.
I want you to know that this is you Im talking about right now. I know it wont do any good. You dont care about me. Im sure of it. And if you did know it was you, Im sure it wouldnt affect you in any way. And things would continue to go on the way they are right now.


On the good side, I finish Catcher In The Rye! [: And I found my iPod, I downloaded all my music again, plus some. So Im not in a totally bad mood. And I need some new awesome music to listen to.
Bring me to a PlayRadioPlay! concert and I'll love you forever, no joke. I really hope I can go to one of the three tour dates somewhat near.
Owl City and Unicorn Kid in September! For a 'few days late' birthday present from Abigail and Chelese. Yessss. I cant wait. Even though it's at Rocketown. I'll get over it just for Owl City. ahaha.
I have two weeks at home until I leave for Canada (July 11th) with absolutely nothing to do. Please change that [:

I really have nothing good to say,

But I just feel like blogging. Im such a loser [:


I leave in less than a week. I'm really not looking forward to anything this summer. Except maybe a PlayRadioPlay! concert, if I can go. Which I really hope I can. Im not even sure if Im going to camp anymore. I mean, I want to. But I think I'd rather go to Warped. Because I'll actually enjoy that.
Oh well.
Im so exhausted. No matter how much sleep I get, I'm always tired. I dont know why. I probably have some sleep disorder. Or maybe just any kind of disorder. Ill get over it.
Honestly, I cant wait for school to start. I havent said that since like 3rd grade. But I really cant wait. Last year sucked. But Im actually planning on working at school this year. And making it one of my top priorities. We'll see how long that lasts. ahaha. Really though. I do want to do well in school. Because I want to do so much with my life. And if I dont try, Im not getting anywhere. And I know that.
I'm taking French, somehow. And then hopefully a photography class somewhere. Those are what Im most excited about. The rest of my classes are probably going to suck. But I dont really care. Just as long as I do well.
I think Im going to go take a nap. Im tired.
:|


"And I have to speculate that God himself did make us into corresponding shapes like puzzle pieces from the clay. True, it may seem like a stretch, but it's thoughts like this that catch my troubled head when you're away, when I am missing you to death"

"If I’d allow myself to feel the things I know I should,

Then I might not be standing here. My mind is busy trying to sort through your words, or lack thereof the ones that I want to hear. I rip my heart up piece by piece to show you how I feel if I thought that you’d even care."
I don't think a lyric has ever described me more than that right there. It is exactly how I feel about you.
But I'm tired of thinking about you all the time. I need a break. Take me out of this place, I cant do it anymore. Everything is so confusing and mixed up that I don't know where up is and where down is. At the same time, though, some things seem to be looking up.
I feel a lot better about myself than I have in a long time, and that's new for me. And Im glad. I hardly even care what people think anymore and that's a really good thing. I do, however, care what you think. I care about every thought that you have. How you feel about me, or if you feel anything for me at all. You've hurt me more than anyone in my life has ever hurt me and you dont even know it. Im never going to tell you how I feel. Because I know it's a waste of time. And we'll just drift apart more than we are now. I wonder if you know Im talking about you right now. Or if the thought that it could possibly be you is going through your mind. Probably not. But maybe you are now that I said something.


I wish I could just forget everything that has ever happened with us.
And Im sure none of this makes sense, or fits together. Things only make sense inside my head. Maybe I should just keep them there from now on.

Im tired. It's loud. I want everything to stop spinning. My head hurts. This doesnt make sense. I dont know what Im saying. PLEASE BE QUIET. Please. Im begging. I just need a minute to collect my thoughts in peace and quiet for once. I want to go read my book in the quiet. Im tired of this screaming. I just want to go to sleep. But it's too loud. Everything is a mess. What's going on...?

Didnt I blog yesterday?

Yes, I did. Get over it. I feel like ranting.
Ahhhh, BLOGGER NEEDS TO FIX. This thing messed up alll my photos. None of them work. Grrr.
Anyways.
Last night I stayed up until around 2AM reading Paper Towns. Which by the way, is amazing. Im over halfway through. And once I finish it -probably tonight- I think I'll read Go Ask Alice. Or maybe Catcher In The Rye. But most likey Go Ask Alice. ahaha.
We had family birthdays today. Which was alright, I guess. Not as bad as normal. It was actually for Father's Day. Even though that's in two weeks.
And so is Mid-Ohio. I guess Im excited. But not really. I do love it, but it was so bad last year. And Im afraid this year will be the same. Same with ABC. Last year was just terrible. The cabins were messed up, and I had a bad teacher. It kind of brought down my whole mood. But Im hoping this year is different. And I hope it all works out. But I guess we'll see. It's like over a month away. ahah. Canada is in about a month. And Im extremely excited for that. I think it's going to be my favorite thing ever. Just because I've been dying to go for so long lately. And then I have my NYC trip at the beginning of July, as well. I feel like I wont be home at all. But that's okay because Im going to amazing places. But the few weeks I will be home, I feel like I wont have any plans. Which makes me sad. I dont have many friends to really make plans with, though. Even if it sounds emo. It really is true.

Anyways, today was weird. Like, I was in such a good mood. And then bam, one little thing happens and I was upset. And then I was really mad. ahaha, I dont know what my problem is. That actually happens a lot, really. I havent figured out why, yet. But I will.
None of what Im saying really even goes together. But I honestly dont care. I have random thoughts, and I just keep typing.
OH! I got my glasses. Branson says I look like a nerd. But you know what, I am a nerd. And Im proud to say that. hahah. I dont deny it anymore. Im a loser, Im awkward, Im a nerd, I make bad conversation. It's all true. And I dont mind one bit. It's all me, and I think Im finally okay with it.
Yeah, I have a lot to work on. And Im doing just that. For the most part, though, Im glad with who I am. Even if I am a loser, and super awkward, and make bad conversation with people I hardly know.

"Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park, I asked God who I'm supposed to be. The stars smiled down on me, God answered in silent reverie. I said a prayer and fell asleep. I had a dream that I could fly from the highest tree."

I dont make sense.

"then you grow up, and realize that all the things you’ve been ignoring, pretending they didn’t affect you, acting as if they never happened, are catching up with you after all. it took a while, but now they’re winning over you. all the things you refused to deal with are right in front of you, and you realize how stupid you’ve been to think the way you did. because obviously, you can’t just pretend that something did not happen when it did. broken hearts, failed friendships, rejection, goals you did not accomplish, money issues. there are several issues. some from years ago, some from months ago, some from weeks ago, and even some from a few days ago, all of which you refused to deal with at the time and decided to ignore instead. all this, running through your mind, feels like you’re going insane. you try to do just what you used to do, ignore it all, but it doesn’t work anymore."
wow, I absolutely love Alex Evans. That describes me. All these things that I've held inside for so so long, are finally catching up. And now, I feel like Im going insane. My body just cant deal with all of this pain anymore. I need a fresh start. But that's impossible. I want to forget every bad thing that has ever happened in my life. Too bad it isnt that easy. I guess these things are just going to be things I have to face now. After almost seven years, my brothers death has finally caught up to me. So many broke friendships are finally affecting me in every way possible. I feel so alone and vulnerable to every person in the world. But no one talks to me enough, or knows me to know that these things have just been pushed aside. And I've been acting like they dont bother me
But god, everyday it gets worse and worse.
I guess it's finally time to step up. And grow up. I cant do this anymore.
Sometimes, all we need is for one person to really care. And I dont have that person anymore.


Today I bought new books. And a bookmark! I got Catcher In The Rye. Which Im so excited about reading again, because I love it. And Im glad I finally have my own copy. I also got Paper Towns. I think Im going to read it first, though. John Green is an amazing writer. Check him outttt [:
OH! I got Go Ask Alice, too. Which I've been told to read multiple times, so I bought it. I'll have a busy summer reading all the time. ahaha.
Last thinggg, I think blogger hates me. My main photo thingy wont work :[

"Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow"
My bookmark says that [:

Friends

1. Mostly, I'm wondering if you even care anymore. You never talk to me anymore, and when you do it's an empty conversation. Why cant we get back to where we were almost eight months ago. It really doesn't seem like that long, but it has been. And I feel like I hardly know you anymore.

2. Thank you for always being there. You're more like a brother to me than a friend. And you're always so sweet. We relate to each other in almost every way possible, which I dont know how. But we do. And I love that when I have one of those nights, you're the first one I call and I know you'll answer, and be there for me. I love you.

3. I feel like we're drifting apart more and more. And I really hate it. Because you're one of the only friends I have that I think truly cares. And Im more than afraid to lose you. I hope we can change that, and become close again. Because even though you feel alone sometimes, I will always be here. Even if you dont think I care..

4. I guess it's nice having you in my life. If I needed a friend, I definitely wouldnt go to you. Because you mostly only talk and care about yourself. And yes, that's very annoying. But I deal. If I could say anything to you, it would be "shutup." But I dont do that. Because unlike someone, I value our "friendship" because you're the closest thing I have to a best friend. I wish you were out of my life.

5. Ugh, I dont know where to start. What is up with you? You flirt, constantly. But then you say things that would make me believe you were never into me. I just need to understand. I just want you to be there for me. Even if it's more like a big brother/little sister relationship. I need something like that more than I'll ever need anything. I just wish you would understand that.

6. I know we dont say it, but I do feel like you're one of my best friends. We get along so perfectly. And understand each other. I just wish we could see more of each other, and hang out. Because you're probably the best thing that has ever happened to me, and you dont even know it.

7. Things are weird between us. Like extremely. You and I have know each other for so long, and it's weird thinking that we're still friends now. But it isnt really a friendship. It's more like, I dont want to hurt you. So I stick around. And I feel really bad about that. I never mean to do that. But honestly, you get on my nerves sometimes. You can be very obnoxious, and are most of the time. But with everything we've been through, Im actually glad you're still in my life. And you really do mean a lot to me

You six mean more to me than anyone ever has, and I hope you know who you are. You're the only ones who have taken the time to get to really know me. And you're the only ones I've ever let into my life.