Saturday, June 27, 2009

"I swear we can make this last"

Im home. Yay, I guess. It was alright. I spent the majority of my nights in the dorm alone or somewhere with Ryan or Khloe. The work sites were good, though. I had the best time. Ryan and Michael are serious the greatest guys ever. ahah. On Thursday night Ryan, Sowards, Anna and I had a really good conversation. Normally, I wouldnt want to talk about it with more than just Anna around. But I think it was a good thing that Ryan was there, so I have someone else to talk to and all. He and I are so much closer, and that's good. But I feel like I've drifted from every other person at church. And it sucks. Im not good at conversation with people. Im not good at carrying on conversation. I make people awkward, I've noticed. People have no idea what they're supposed to say to me. Why cant you just talk to me like a normal person? I may not be totally normal. But Im a person, and I can talk about the same things as anyone else. I dont understand.
Ohh, new best friend [: Me and Kayla have decided we're best friends. ahaha. We're making plans to hang out, so maybe I'll actually have somewhat of a social life. But, probably not.

You get my hopes up. Like usual, they are false hopes. I try not to think about you so much. But I just cant help it. You mean so much to me. And I really dont understand how I can be so in love with someone I am totally invisible to, but it sucks. Sometimes I just want to erase the day we first really started talking. I wish I could just erase that one thing from my memory. Like in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. You still remember it, and it happened. But I dont. I wonder how you'd feel if I had no idea who you were. Would you even notice? Or would things stay the same? God. That would absolutely kill me if you erased me from your memory..


1 comment:

  1. Sometimes it's best to never forget so you don't make the same mistakes twice. You're too young to dwell on the past, thinking how something should've gone, what you should've done, what you should've said. You can't change it. Living in the past is hurting you more than anything else Jessica. I wish you could move on like I did through all the pain in my life. I'm praying for ya babe.