Daze

I always feel like I'm in a daze after I finish a book. Sometimes I wish that I could have been one of the characters in the book, but then I realize I'm a lot like one of them. There are some times where I just want to float away. I dont want to be real, I want the world to be like a whole movie and I'm just sitting above watching it, and its never ending story.

Please dont tell me everything is wonderful now.

I do everything I can just to get through the day, and it's getting harder and harder everyday. I feel like I have to wind myself just to get out of bed, I sleep for hours and never feel rested. Maybe that's because when I am asleep my mind is still oh so focused on you. Maybe I am going crazy, but I think I'm already there.

Every line, every word, everything.

There is no such thing as forever and everyone will leave you one day. I've decided this is completely true.

Thinking of you.

I'll be sitting anywhere, and just start thinking. What if you were here right now? What would we be doing? Would we be talking?
Tonight in church this thought just would not leave my mind. I sat there for so long, just thinking, if you were here right now, you'd be sitting beside me. You'd either be singing or staring around, like I do.
Then this other thought occurred. What would happen if I just had this breakdown? I pictured it all in my head. It went like this: I looked over at you, and I was crying. You saw me, but didnt say anything. Then I stood up and started leaving the room, you jumped out of your chair after me and grabbed my hand. We walked outside of the room and you just held me. In a long, much needed hug. You asked me what was wrong, and looked me right in the eyes. You smiled. I felt better.
The end :|

You really do care, in my head. I just wish something like this would happen.

I wish I could:

achieve my dreams.
do well in school.
have motivation.
have friends.
not cry.
feel loved.
know everything will be okay.
have a new start to my life.
be happy.

I should probably stop writing these things.

Dear 'friends', if you care at all here are some things I would like to say to you. Individually and as a whole. I know you say we're friends, but I dont really believe it anymore. I mean, you talk to me like maybe, maybe once a week, and depending on who you are, maybe once a month. Sometimes less than that. Even if I'm the one to start the conversation, it never lasts long anyways. I'm done trying. I should focus on more important things, anyways. Worrying about having friends is too much of a problem anyways :|

- To you: I miss you a lot and I'd kill if we could just be CLOSE again. It really sucks knowing that you still talk to all of these old friends, yet you dont even bother to start a conversation with me anymore. It hurts, too. But maybe this is just a sign that you never cared about me in the first place.

- To you: Yeah, you say you care. But only when something important is going on, pretty much. You dont talk to me unless you feel there is a real reason to. And that sucks more than anything knowing you feel like it's your obligation to talk to me in tough times.

- To you: I think you are possibly the only person I consider a real friend anymore. We dont talk very often though. And I see you more frequently than other people, I suppose.

"Hypothetically if you were point A and theoretically if I was point B, we would be frantically melting into one massive point that could overcome anything" More than anything, I wish this was TRUE.

What's going on?

Mischael is having a baby! And she's moving in with us. I'm happy/frustrated. Because I know that I'm gonna get stuck babysitting the kid allll the time. My dads cancer tests are clear, I think. At least that's what I've heard. My aunt Shannon has MS and leukemia. And even though I havent seen her in years and years, it's still really hard to think about :|

Maybe some good will come of this stuff.
Positive things happen to positive people.