Robotic bliss.

Damaged and depressed, here lies the mess she’s made of herself. Trying to be saved left her selfish and enraged with everything wrong in this world. So she sits in her robotic fits. Comfortable as she lives, she knows there must be more to this than self-assuring bliss. She’s never seen the outside of her bedroom walls. She’s never had the freedom to accept friendly phone calls, but it’s not her fault. She boxes herself in. Her mother endears her with restless thoughts of tarnished boys and melodramatic sin. So she sits in her robotic fits. Comfortable as she lives, she knows there must be more to this than self-assuring bliss.

This is for you, Nicole.

The clock is ticking
To fall for nonfiction
Waist deep in recognition
That everyone I know is itching
For something real to happen
So I sit back
Listen to the tick tock
Of all the time I’ve wasted
Knowing all these hastings
Are so unappealing

Mixed up signals, bullet train.

I've been listening to a lot of Bright Eyes lately, and I'm not sure if that's good or not. It makes me think about life too much.
"Never thought of running, my feet just led the way"
"Death will give us back to god, just like the setting sun is returned to the lonesome ocean."
"Would you agree times have changed?"
"Sun turns us to stone. It's a cloudy day, but we still can't go home"
"A train off in the distance, bicycle chained to the stairs, everything must belong somewhere"
"And if you swear that there's no truth and who cares, how come you say it like you're right?"

I'm ready to be done.

You know this is about you.

-You are the only person here for me, thank you.

-You are the one I wish I was really close to because you mean a lot to me.

-You are the most inconsiderate bastard to ever walk on the earth.

-You are the only person I can see myself growing old with.

-You are the one I never want to lose, but already have.

-You are the most incredible person I have ever met, and I love you.

The closest I'll ever get to telling you how I feel.

You mean the world to me. Words cannot express how much I wish we could be back to where we used to be. Things are difficult sometimes. It seems like everytime I finally forget about you for a moment, you do something; upload a photo, update your status, start a conversation with me, anything. Then you're on my mind for the rest of the day. Even at 1:30 in the morning. It's sad really. Pathetic. Why cant I just get over you? I wish you would read this and know that it's about you. I suppose you could, really. All I'd have to do is say it is. But I cant do that because I'm just too damn afraid.

Hey now.

I honestly dont give a fuck anymore, at all. I'm tired of sitting around in life and watching everyone be oh so happy and carefree, surrounded by their many friends. And it isnt that watching this bothers me. No, it doesnt. Knowing that I'm never, ever going to have anything like that is what kills me inside, and I'm just waiting for the day when I completely crash and burn.

“You must realize that one day you will die. Until then you are worthless.”
No one cares until you're gone.

One year.

January: Courteney, Alexis, photos, guitars, blue skies, Nicholette, the Disney store, Chuck E. Cheese, fortune cookies, writing.
February: Outdoors, old photos, dyed hair, ugly dollz, daddy, rain rain go away.
March: friends, Opryland, Matt's birthday, Music Man, pajamas, iPods, creativity.
April: kittens, outdoors, cloudy skies, sunburns, candles, oranges, henna tattoos, v necks, stops signs, flowers, Alexis' house, Marco, Brian, trampoline photos, adventures with Matt, dollar general, mickey mouse graffiti, jumping over the creek, the pond, so exhausted.
May: More dyed hair, Phineas and Ferb, hello pool!, freckles, green eyes, sprinkler in the garden, eating raisins, missing Brian, sad nights, sad days, comas, MORE DYED HAIR, twloha, Austin, star trek, out too late, sneaking in, rainbows, swings, sunsets.
June: mid ohio, Ryan, Michael, Chelese, abandoned house, Kayla, more pool time, macro photos, soso hyper, creepy spiders.
July: Kayla, buttons, chocolate, (pg-13), spongebob!, speed limit 13, face painting, adorable kids, funny faces, Kirk's photoshoot, so many converse, NICOLENICOLENICOLE!, Lake Ontario, jumping photos, heart hands, superman, such big waves, pretty ducks, sunset, singing, Niagara Falls, creepy birds, maid of the mist, ahhh my camera, Cedar Point, Malloree, the ferris wheel, little kid rides, scraper faces, ABC, it didnt rain at all.
August: plaid, stay positive, school starting, lots of studying, days at home, wet hair, not much happened.
September: the scene aesthetic, ERIC!, ANDREW!, it's your birthday, happy birthday!, Stephen Jerzak, 15th birthday, Kayla Kendall, 1AM swimming, cheeseburger cupcakes, hammock photos, sleeping in, more school.
October: bleached hair, purple hair, scene hair, big brother, flowers, gates, Aunt Jane, funny faces, silly dances, tons of new hair, fall retreat, rain rain rain, zip line, pumpkins, halloween.
November: bangs, plaid, homeworkhomeworkhomework, sleeping in, seeing no friends, shopping a lot, buying a dress, toms shoes, happy thanksgiving!, pigging out, pumpkin pie, chess pie, lacking so much motivation.
December: shopping, girls retreat, such pretty snow, breakdowns, fire, three Jessica's, signs, HA!, mid-terms, not failing, no heat, freezing weather, christmas shopping.

Float

I want to float away..



Bad news comes, don't you worry even when it lands. Good news will work its way to all them plans.
We both got fired on exactly the same day. Well, we'll float on, good news is on the way.
And we'll all float on, okay.

Daze

I always feel like I'm in a daze after I finish a book. Sometimes I wish that I could have been one of the characters in the book, but then I realize I'm a lot like one of them. There are some times where I just want to float away. I dont want to be real, I want the world to be like a whole movie and I'm just sitting above watching it, and its never ending story.

Please dont tell me everything is wonderful now.

I do everything I can just to get through the day, and it's getting harder and harder everyday. I feel like I have to wind myself just to get out of bed, I sleep for hours and never feel rested. Maybe that's because when I am asleep my mind is still oh so focused on you. Maybe I am going crazy, but I think I'm already there.

Every line, every word, everything.

There is no such thing as forever and everyone will leave you one day. I've decided this is completely true.

Thinking of you.

I'll be sitting anywhere, and just start thinking. What if you were here right now? What would we be doing? Would we be talking?
Tonight in church this thought just would not leave my mind. I sat there for so long, just thinking, if you were here right now, you'd be sitting beside me. You'd either be singing or staring around, like I do.
Then this other thought occurred. What would happen if I just had this breakdown? I pictured it all in my head. It went like this: I looked over at you, and I was crying. You saw me, but didnt say anything. Then I stood up and started leaving the room, you jumped out of your chair after me and grabbed my hand. We walked outside of the room and you just held me. In a long, much needed hug. You asked me what was wrong, and looked me right in the eyes. You smiled. I felt better.
The end :|

You really do care, in my head. I just wish something like this would happen.

I wish I could:

achieve my dreams.
do well in school.
have motivation.
have friends.
not cry.
feel loved.
know everything will be okay.
have a new start to my life.
be happy.

I should probably stop writing these things.

Dear 'friends', if you care at all here are some things I would like to say to you. Individually and as a whole. I know you say we're friends, but I dont really believe it anymore. I mean, you talk to me like maybe, maybe once a week, and depending on who you are, maybe once a month. Sometimes less than that. Even if I'm the one to start the conversation, it never lasts long anyways. I'm done trying. I should focus on more important things, anyways. Worrying about having friends is too much of a problem anyways :|

- To you: I miss you a lot and I'd kill if we could just be CLOSE again. It really sucks knowing that you still talk to all of these old friends, yet you dont even bother to start a conversation with me anymore. It hurts, too. But maybe this is just a sign that you never cared about me in the first place.

- To you: Yeah, you say you care. But only when something important is going on, pretty much. You dont talk to me unless you feel there is a real reason to. And that sucks more than anything knowing you feel like it's your obligation to talk to me in tough times.

- To you: I think you are possibly the only person I consider a real friend anymore. We dont talk very often though. And I see you more frequently than other people, I suppose.

"Hypothetically if you were point A and theoretically if I was point B, we would be frantically melting into one massive point that could overcome anything" More than anything, I wish this was TRUE.

What's going on?

Mischael is having a baby! And she's moving in with us. I'm happy/frustrated. Because I know that I'm gonna get stuck babysitting the kid allll the time. My dads cancer tests are clear, I think. At least that's what I've heard. My aunt Shannon has MS and leukemia. And even though I havent seen her in years and years, it's still really hard to think about :|

Maybe some good will come of this stuff.
Positive things happen to positive people.

So, can someone tell me

when this "better" thing starts happening. People keep saying it'll get better and it'll be alright but I dont see it anywhere around me.

So tired

of all of this. Im failing out of school and none of my teachers bother to tell me this until two fucking days before we get report cards. Hey, thank you so much for giving me the time to bring my fucking grade up, assholes.

I hate everyone so much. Everyone is like "hey, talk to me. Tell me what's wrong. I wish you would open up to me" it's all fake. No one really cares, because as soon as I TRY to open up to someone they come back with their own problems. Now we know why I keep everything inside.
What I'd really like is to get in some terrible accident and never have to see anyone again.
Or get put in an insane asylum away from the rest of this world. Im so tired of it all.

There isnt really anything else to say. Pray for my daddy, please. :////

This is the end, if you want it

I want nothing more than someone who will truly care about me for once and be a good friend.

Today.

I said, "I hate everyone and everything, today. I hate everyone and everything except for you."
You said, nothing.
I spoke in empty stalls in locked restrooms and screamed against the walls, while you sat on the opposite side of the building leafing through the pages of a textbook. I said, "I hate everything and everyone, and I wish I could hate even you, today."
You said, nothing.
I eyed your reflection in the tinted window, as you sat behind me, avoiding my figure. Your eyes mirrored flames of red that you called crimson and green that you named slytherin. I cried and wiped my eyes, and you never saw me because today is really no different than any other.
I said, "I hate everything and everyone, and I wish I could hate you, but I can't. I love you, and today, I wish I loved someone else a little more, instead."
You said something, but it was mumbled under your breath and drowned out in the shuffling of your sneakers as you walked away.

I lie awake and miss you.

I dont eat anymore. I never leave my bedroom. I hardly speak to anyone. I cry over the stupidest and smallest things, but mostly you.
No one notices.
I wish I had the courage and strength to tell you exactly how I feel.