I should probably stop writing these things.

Dear 'friends', if you care at all here are some things I would like to say to you. Individually and as a whole. I know you say we're friends, but I dont really believe it anymore. I mean, you talk to me like maybe, maybe once a week, and depending on who you are, maybe once a month. Sometimes less than that. Even if I'm the one to start the conversation, it never lasts long anyways. I'm done trying. I should focus on more important things, anyways. Worrying about having friends is too much of a problem anyways :|

- To you: I miss you a lot and I'd kill if we could just be CLOSE again. It really sucks knowing that you still talk to all of these old friends, yet you dont even bother to start a conversation with me anymore. It hurts, too. But maybe this is just a sign that you never cared about me in the first place.

- To you: Yeah, you say you care. But only when something important is going on, pretty much. You dont talk to me unless you feel there is a real reason to. And that sucks more than anything knowing you feel like it's your obligation to talk to me in tough times.

- To you: I think you are possibly the only person I consider a real friend anymore. We dont talk very often though. And I see you more frequently than other people, I suppose.

"Hypothetically if you were point A and theoretically if I was point B, we would be frantically melting into one massive point that could overcome anything" More than anything, I wish this was TRUE.

What's going on?

Mischael is having a baby! And she's moving in with us. I'm happy/frustrated. Because I know that I'm gonna get stuck babysitting the kid allll the time. My dads cancer tests are clear, I think. At least that's what I've heard. My aunt Shannon has MS and leukemia. And even though I havent seen her in years and years, it's still really hard to think about :|

Maybe some good will come of this stuff.
Positive things happen to positive people.

So, can someone tell me

when this "better" thing starts happening. People keep saying it'll get better and it'll be alright but I dont see it anywhere around me.

So tired

of all of this. Im failing out of school and none of my teachers bother to tell me this until two fucking days before we get report cards. Hey, thank you so much for giving me the time to bring my fucking grade up, assholes.

I hate everyone so much. Everyone is like "hey, talk to me. Tell me what's wrong. I wish you would open up to me" it's all fake. No one really cares, because as soon as I TRY to open up to someone they come back with their own problems. Now we know why I keep everything inside.
What I'd really like is to get in some terrible accident and never have to see anyone again.
Or get put in an insane asylum away from the rest of this world. Im so tired of it all.

There isnt really anything else to say. Pray for my daddy, please. :////

This is the end, if you want it

I want nothing more than someone who will truly care about me for once and be a good friend.

Today.

I said, "I hate everyone and everything, today. I hate everyone and everything except for you."
You said, nothing.
I spoke in empty stalls in locked restrooms and screamed against the walls, while you sat on the opposite side of the building leafing through the pages of a textbook. I said, "I hate everything and everyone, and I wish I could hate even you, today."
You said, nothing.
I eyed your reflection in the tinted window, as you sat behind me, avoiding my figure. Your eyes mirrored flames of red that you called crimson and green that you named slytherin. I cried and wiped my eyes, and you never saw me because today is really no different than any other.
I said, "I hate everything and everyone, and I wish I could hate you, but I can't. I love you, and today, I wish I loved someone else a little more, instead."
You said something, but it was mumbled under your breath and drowned out in the shuffling of your sneakers as you walked away.

I lie awake and miss you.

I dont eat anymore. I never leave my bedroom. I hardly speak to anyone. I cry over the stupidest and smallest things, but mostly you.
No one notices.
I wish I had the courage and strength to tell you exactly how I feel.

Hello breakdown.

1. It's all setting in. I refuse to believe that this is happening.
2. No one cares.
3. We are no longer considered friends. I miss you so much.
4. Cant you tell that Im begging for you to realize how lost I am?
5. All of the light is gone. It's all complete darkness now.
6. They say once you reach rock bottom that there isnt anywhere to go except up. I think Im underground, and still falling.

Decembers.

You don't have to speak because I can hear your heartbeat fluttering like butterflies searching for a drink. You don't have to cover up how you feel when you're in love. I always know I'm not enough to even make you think. Please slow down girl. We're moving way too fast for their world. We've gotta make this last. I know it hurts to feel so all alone. I'm by myself, more than you could know.


That is probably the most depressing song I have heard in my entire life, and it completely reminds me of you. There will be a day when you are no longer on my mind every single second of everyday. I will not worry about what you are doing, or what would be happening if you were at my house right that second with me. But until that day I would just like you to know that you really do mean a whole lot to me, and every second that we talked were some of the greatest times I have had with a friend in a long time. I wish we could go back, and I wish we could just figure out where it all went wrong in the first place.

Falling apart

// I just realized that I have such great friends who generally care about my well-being and what is going on in my life.
Awesome.


I am so tired of pretending to be okay.

Are you okay?

Oh, yeah, Im fine. I just need some sleep.
Yeah, I guess so.
Yes.
Yeah, everything is fine.
Im okay.
Yes. Dont worry about it.



These are all lies.
I will never be okay and everything will never be fine.

Alone.

I hate feeling like this.

You really are all I want right now, but you will never know.

You can drive across the entire country and never find exactly what you're looking for.

My eyes are burning but I refuse to sleep without you. There have been countless days where I have felt lost and useless. I still have your jacket on my bed. There are pills on the table, I refuse to take them to fuel my depression and ability to think. I should have seen this coming.



"If we spend our time obsessing with the future or regretting the past, then we will never live. Tomorrow will always be tomorrow and yesterday cannot be changed." - Jon Foreman

A letter to...

Hey, I dont really know who you are yet but I know you're going to go many places in life and you have so much potential. All you have to do is try and you can make it. Sometimes you might not feel very strong or great at anything, but you've made it this far so you must be some kind of wonderful. Everything you have gone through is making you that much stronger today, and remember that everything happens for a reason. You are beautiful inside and out. Please dont forget any of this, ever. I hope you get everything you want out of life and you never let anyone stop you from going after your dreams.

YOU. CAN. MAKE. IT.

Do you ever think?

Just because you are a certain way, I get dragged into it as well. What you are doing affects my life greatly. I hate you for it. I hate you for taking away everyone I love from me. If people find out I will be judged also. I think you only care about what you want in life. There is nothing you can do to change how I feel. I will always have hatred toward you. Forever. Nothing will change that, especially after you change. I wish I didnt have to deal with it at all. It just isnt fair to me, or anyone else in our family.


You're tearing us all apart.

I never do what I tell myself to do.
And I always do the things I tell myself not to do.



Wonderful.
School starts Monday. Just one more chance for disappointment.
Cant wait.

Seven years.

I miss you more than anything. Especially in times like these. I wish I could just call you, and tell you what's going on. And you say you love me. And that it'll all be okay. I want you here right beside me.
August 7th 2002.
Honestly, I remember this day clearer than any other day in my entire life. I have this reoccurring nightmare, and I had it this night. Im trapped inside this endless maze. A building. All darkness. A couple of nooks here and there. No where to go except around and around, trying to find a way out. I'm always with my family, one of them is always being chased by someone, and is always right behind me. Saving me from whatever is chasing them. That night? Jason was following me. Being chased himself. (I'm not sure if that makes sense) I was running around this maze, I found a closet. I ran into it, shut the door. The footsteps stopped. No more noise, except me breathing. Then the closet door opened, I screamed. Jason was there to save me. But, whatever was chasing him, and me, killed him. Shot him with a gun. In the background there was a phone ringing. I woke up. Drenched in sweat. Home phone, ringing. My dad answered. Called me and my brother downstairs. He told Justin what happened. Justin told me. I burst into tears. I didnt understand. I thought maybe I was just having another dream. But I wasnt..


5/4/80-8/7/02.
Rest in Peace, Jason. Forever in our hearts.
<3

:////

My youth group talks about people when they walk away. I never join in, sometimes I just listen, and other times it pisses me off so much I either get mad at them, or walk away. And then I wonder if they just talk about me when I walk away. I wonder if anyone would stand up for me like I've stood up for them. I feel like that a lot; as soon as I leave, they talk about me just like they were talking about the last person who left their little clique circle.



I want some real friends who will stand by my side no matter what.

Because maybe you're gonna be the one who saves me

"And after all you're my wonderwall"

I dont have anything to say.
Why do I always feel like my blogs must be long and say something important?

Not this time.








I love you with all my heart. I always have and I always will.

Really?

I'm honestly am surprised at your immaturity. Im happy for the first time in almost a year, but you just have to crush everything. Your words hurt me. You may not think it, but they do. I think about them way too often after you say them. And it's like you think I havent thought of any of it before. Maybe I know that people are using me. But honestly, maybe I could care less. Maybe all I want is someone to make me feel safe.