This is the end.

Maybe in time, you might forget and I’ll move away. I have to run or else I’ll never know how far I can stray. I have to stop molding myself. This flesh is not malleable; it’s skin scratched and smoothed. Let myself unfold out of its former shape, out of this tough exterior. You can erase me, shavings of lead are the only trace. I was never there.

Please don't look at me with those bright blue eyes. They make me weak-kneed and starving for words to fill the thick, hanging silence. You marked into the bark of me, leaving scars. But the scars left winding grooves and patterns.. cutting through me with a bread knife, ragged edges in the lacerations. Covering every speckle of guilt I've ever felt by moving on, or trying to at least. But you always come back like a sickness and I blindly succumb. Like a blue bird bleeding into dark dry concrete, you sear me with your impossible eyes.

Control

There are things in this world we can’t control. Our hearts, our regrets, our unfinished dreams. But if you learn to live happy, you’ll find out exactly what the word ‘control’ means. Insanity, reaction, emotion launches the idea of ‘control’ into the atmosphere. Love, passion, infatuation seizes your mind and throws everything off balance. Humor, confidence, ambition… it leads you into a life of pure domination over all subjects. No mind is alike, but every soul wants a sense of direction. Having a directionless soul can lead you to destruction and rebellion. I urge everyone I know to lead a day without this so-called misshaped moralistic state. Let go of our foolish addictions and take control.

Be Happy

Her eyes meet the floor as he says, “Don’t ruin this for me, the truth is you’re nothing what I wanted to expect”. Just then he lifts her head, his eyes meet hers and she gasps, “I never expected to fall so fast”, “Shut your mouth and let it pass. You’re not what I want, I want what I can’t have”

Traffic Light Blues

Yeah, I’m starting to feel better. Oh, I’m starting to feel sane. And if you need me, call me. We’ll talk about everything; how no one understands, that you just can't catch a break, and all this bad luck that has you bound to stay inside for days. Well, listen here. I know this world is crazy but if you look at the light in the tunnel in the distance, over the mountaintops adjacent to the trees where you were first born, and where you decided to leave, you'll see your life in multicolored contrast.  Fall out of the picture onto a concrete road. Find your feet and just float. Well if you need me, call me. We'll talk about everything; how no one understands, that the noise of the city gets you down and you just want to move far away to a place where your losses are cut short and can't be found. Well, if you need me, call me.

Agenda

Take Some Time

Clear Your Mind

Find Your Feet

Ground Your Life

Make It Real

Learn To Feel

Challenge Your Day

Just Be Okay

A wise man once said..

There’s an old saying that goes “stick with what you know”. But if you stick around too long, you’ll never grow. Those old roots will rot away and expose themselves to everything fake. Well you just didn’t listen to those old wise men and now you’re as disposable as an empty pen. Your fear kept you from staying on track, heading towards happiness and never looking back.

Robotic bliss.

Damaged and depressed, here lies the mess she’s made of herself. Trying to be saved left her selfish and enraged with everything wrong in this world. So she sits in her robotic fits. Comfortable as she lives, she knows there must be more to this than self-assuring bliss. She’s never seen the outside of her bedroom walls. She’s never had the freedom to accept friendly phone calls, but it’s not her fault. She boxes herself in. Her mother endears her with restless thoughts of tarnished boys and melodramatic sin. So she sits in her robotic fits. Comfortable as she lives, she knows there must be more to this than self-assuring bliss.

This is for you, Nicole.

The clock is ticking
To fall for nonfiction
Waist deep in recognition
That everyone I know is itching
For something real to happen
So I sit back
Listen to the tick tock
Of all the time I’ve wasted
Knowing all these hastings
Are so unappealing

Mixed up signals, bullet train.

I've been listening to a lot of Bright Eyes lately, and I'm not sure if that's good or not. It makes me think about life too much.
"Never thought of running, my feet just led the way"
"Death will give us back to god, just like the setting sun is returned to the lonesome ocean."
"Would you agree times have changed?"
"Sun turns us to stone. It's a cloudy day, but we still can't go home"
"A train off in the distance, bicycle chained to the stairs, everything must belong somewhere"
"And if you swear that there's no truth and who cares, how come you say it like you're right?"

I'm ready to be done.

You know this is about you.

-You are the only person here for me, thank you.

-You are the one I wish I was really close to because you mean a lot to me.

-You are the most inconsiderate bastard to ever walk on the earth.

-You are the only person I can see myself growing old with.

-You are the one I never want to lose, but already have.

-You are the most incredible person I have ever met, and I love you.

The closest I'll ever get to telling you how I feel.

You mean the world to me. Words cannot express how much I wish we could be back to where we used to be. Things are difficult sometimes. It seems like everytime I finally forget about you for a moment, you do something; upload a photo, update your status, start a conversation with me, anything. Then you're on my mind for the rest of the day. Even at 1:30 in the morning. It's sad really. Pathetic. Why cant I just get over you? I wish you would read this and know that it's about you. I suppose you could, really. All I'd have to do is say it is. But I cant do that because I'm just too damn afraid.

Hey now.

I honestly dont give a fuck anymore, at all. I'm tired of sitting around in life and watching everyone be oh so happy and carefree, surrounded by their many friends. And it isnt that watching this bothers me. No, it doesnt. Knowing that I'm never, ever going to have anything like that is what kills me inside, and I'm just waiting for the day when I completely crash and burn.

“You must realize that one day you will die. Until then you are worthless.”
No one cares until you're gone.

One year.

January: Courteney, Alexis, photos, guitars, blue skies, Nicholette, the Disney store, Chuck E. Cheese, fortune cookies, writing.
February: Outdoors, old photos, dyed hair, ugly dollz, daddy, rain rain go away.
March: friends, Opryland, Matt's birthday, Music Man, pajamas, iPods, creativity.
April: kittens, outdoors, cloudy skies, sunburns, candles, oranges, henna tattoos, v necks, stops signs, flowers, Alexis' house, Marco, Brian, trampoline photos, adventures with Matt, dollar general, mickey mouse graffiti, jumping over the creek, the pond, so exhausted.
May: More dyed hair, Phineas and Ferb, hello pool!, freckles, green eyes, sprinkler in the garden, eating raisins, missing Brian, sad nights, sad days, comas, MORE DYED HAIR, twloha, Austin, star trek, out too late, sneaking in, rainbows, swings, sunsets.
June: mid ohio, Ryan, Michael, Chelese, abandoned house, Kayla, more pool time, macro photos, soso hyper, creepy spiders.
July: Kayla, buttons, chocolate, (pg-13), spongebob!, speed limit 13, face painting, adorable kids, funny faces, Kirk's photoshoot, so many converse, NICOLENICOLENICOLE!, Lake Ontario, jumping photos, heart hands, superman, such big waves, pretty ducks, sunset, singing, Niagara Falls, creepy birds, maid of the mist, ahhh my camera, Cedar Point, Malloree, the ferris wheel, little kid rides, scraper faces, ABC, it didnt rain at all.
August: plaid, stay positive, school starting, lots of studying, days at home, wet hair, not much happened.
September: the scene aesthetic, ERIC!, ANDREW!, it's your birthday, happy birthday!, Stephen Jerzak, 15th birthday, Kayla Kendall, 1AM swimming, cheeseburger cupcakes, hammock photos, sleeping in, more school.
October: bleached hair, purple hair, scene hair, big brother, flowers, gates, Aunt Jane, funny faces, silly dances, tons of new hair, fall retreat, rain rain rain, zip line, pumpkins, halloween.
November: bangs, plaid, homeworkhomeworkhomework, sleeping in, seeing no friends, shopping a lot, buying a dress, toms shoes, happy thanksgiving!, pigging out, pumpkin pie, chess pie, lacking so much motivation.
December: shopping, girls retreat, such pretty snow, breakdowns, fire, three Jessica's, signs, HA!, mid-terms, not failing, no heat, freezing weather, christmas shopping.

Float

I want to float away..



Bad news comes, don't you worry even when it lands. Good news will work its way to all them plans.
We both got fired on exactly the same day. Well, we'll float on, good news is on the way.
And we'll all float on, okay.

Daze

I always feel like I'm in a daze after I finish a book. Sometimes I wish that I could have been one of the characters in the book, but then I realize I'm a lot like one of them. There are some times where I just want to float away. I dont want to be real, I want the world to be like a whole movie and I'm just sitting above watching it, and its never ending story.

Please dont tell me everything is wonderful now.

I do everything I can just to get through the day, and it's getting harder and harder everyday. I feel like I have to wind myself just to get out of bed, I sleep for hours and never feel rested. Maybe that's because when I am asleep my mind is still oh so focused on you. Maybe I am going crazy, but I think I'm already there.

Every line, every word, everything.

There is no such thing as forever and everyone will leave you one day. I've decided this is completely true.

Thinking of you.

I'll be sitting anywhere, and just start thinking. What if you were here right now? What would we be doing? Would we be talking?
Tonight in church this thought just would not leave my mind. I sat there for so long, just thinking, if you were here right now, you'd be sitting beside me. You'd either be singing or staring around, like I do.
Then this other thought occurred. What would happen if I just had this breakdown? I pictured it all in my head. It went like this: I looked over at you, and I was crying. You saw me, but didnt say anything. Then I stood up and started leaving the room, you jumped out of your chair after me and grabbed my hand. We walked outside of the room and you just held me. In a long, much needed hug. You asked me what was wrong, and looked me right in the eyes. You smiled. I felt better.
The end :|

You really do care, in my head. I just wish something like this would happen.

I wish I could:

achieve my dreams.
do well in school.
have motivation.
have friends.
not cry.
feel loved.
know everything will be okay.
have a new start to my life.
be happy.